I Hate to See You Cry
by prima15
Summary: Ron was my first choice, Malfoy. But you are too blind to see that people change, their feelings change. You are too blind to see Ron was never the one I loved.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- Set in alternate universe. Story takes place through out the whole seventh year. Book 6 and 7 are disregarded. **

"I hate to see you cry."

He shoved her to the dark corridor, slamming his hands on either side of her, holding her trapped against the wall.

"Why do you care now, Malfoy?" Hermione Granger whispered painfully, "Merlin knows you have made me cry more than once in my lifetime."

And he stared at her desperately as the truth of her words washed upon him in painful ripples, as her tears cascaded down in a frenzy of agony. What could he do? He was, after all, the bad guy. Always was, always would be. In her eyes at least.

She had once said to him that when she cried, she cried with all her heart, with all her soul and mind. That it hurt from the inside out and numbed her mind and body. Such that, when she shed a tear, she shed a part of her inner being. He could see that now. He could see pieces of her being ripped apart with each drop of clear liquid crystal.

Selfish being that he was, he wished she could cry like that for him. Not for Ron Weasly but him. He wished he and Hermione were still together. That she realized exactly how much it hurt to love her.

But all he could do was say, "he isn't worth it, Granger. You know that."

Fire burned in her eyes as she shot them up to his. The very fire that scorched him every time she looked at him, that set his soul blazing. She grabbed his collar.

"Of course I _know_, Malfoy! I have never been good enough for anyone. Not you, not Ron. First _you_ toss me aside like a bloody nothing and then I try to find happiness again with Ron, my best friend who I have cared for, for years and apparently he thinks I am too boring and uptight to be with." She closed her eyes, all her fire dying out in an instant as she leaned he head back against the wall. "I am the one who is worthless, Malfoy. You and I both know it."

He had not needed to be reminded of exactly what Ronald Weasly had done to Hermione. The scene that had happened just a few minutes ago was still fresh in his mind.

***

_The weasel, Hermione's boyfriend of three months was snogging the life out of Lavender Brown. _

_Icy rage took hold of Draco, burning white hot, slowly claiming every vein in his body. All too clearly, he realized his mistake in giving up Hermione to a cheating scumbag. He took a step forward to pound Weasly bloody then hex him into oblivion, when somebody beat him to it. _

_He groaned as Hermione swept into what she thought was an empty class room. Draco quickly resumed his hiding position behind a huge pillar. Talk about timing. Hermione took one look at Ron and Lavender and her face visibly contorted in pain. Furiously, she pulled out her wand, and shouted, "Pervertous Incantatum" _

_A flash of blinding white light shot out of Hermione's wand to hit Ron Weasly square on the chest. Seconds later, Ron was vomiting endlessly all over Lavender and the utterly disgusted girl was running for her life out of the classroom sending a fearful look at Hermione on her way. _

_Few minutes later, when Ron had stopped vomiting, Hermione slapped him hard on the face._

"_How could you, Ron? Why for Merlin's sake did you ask me out if it was Lavender you fancied?" she cried._

"_Bloody hell, Hermione! When I asked you out I thought we could have something special. Harry told me you had fancied me for years and I wanted to give it a shot." Still panting, Ron Weasly pushed his sweaty hair back from his red face and continued ruthlessly, "but you are always so closed up and distant and you hardly ever let me touch you!" _

_At this point Draco would gladly have crucioed the bastard to hell. Even if it meant a lifetime of imprisonment in Azkaban or even a dementor's kiss. But Hermione was doing quite well on her own because the next thing he knew she was throwing another curse at Weasly, hurling him to the wall and screaming, " so is that what you wanted from me all this time? To get into my knickers?" _

_As much as Draco loved seeing Wealsy get pounded, he knew it was time to intervene. He jumped out of his hiding place just as Hermione was about hit Ron once again, grabbed her wand and held her struggling form tightly with his free hand. He turned to Ron dangerously and hissed, "Run weasel. Run for your stinking life." _

_And then he pulled Hermione out of the class room to a secluded corridor for a confrontation that was long over due._

***

He touched his forehead to hers, closing his eyes against blissful smell that was only Hermione's alone. He relished the feel of her unruly curls tickling the side of his neck. He touched her cheeks with his face rubbing away the last traces of her tears. He had missed this so much.

Drcao wanted to kiss her. Once again. Like those countless times before. Times that had not been even close to enough. A kiss that would tell her of the nights he had spent, fighting tears that were never there to be shed, feeling that piercing nausea in his guts. He wished she could feel him feeling that he was doomed for this emptiness. He wished she would see that he had no other choice. Nothing was worth putting her life in danger.

And then came an aching whisper, "do you miss me, Draco?"

***

Hermione almost sagged with relief at finally being able to voice the thought that had haunted her nights for months now.

Yes she did wonder if he missed her. She wondered whether or not hatred had taken over the most basic feeling of the lack of presence of someone _so _integrated in one's life.

As for her, she missed him like the next breath. She was as conscious of the throbbing pain in her heart and that numb sadness as she was of the blood pumping in her veins. Many a time she had strived to replace that feeling with hatred. And now she loved to hate him.

They had started down a path not even knowing how it would change them for the rest of their lives and now, even if both of them willed it with all their might, they would never be able to change themselves back.

It was Draco's arms she had turned to for solace when Ron had been too busy with Lavender to notice Hermione's crush on Ron. And then she had fallen in love with Draco Malfoy himself. That was how it all began.

She looked into his eyes and it was like she was immediately transported back to that day.

***

_The first class of the term had just ended. Hermione watched wistfully as Ron walked away with Llavender and Harry and Ginny went past her holding hands, lost in their own world. It had been years now and Ron still did not seem to realize her feelings for him. Hermione sighed. _

"_Oi Granger, still pinning over freckle face are we?" Malfoy hissed at her as she was coming out from Transfiguration. "Weasly may be poor but he does have rich taste. That Brown is a looker!" _

_Hermione grimaced slightly then shot him a smirk that almost rivaled his._

"_Do my ears deceive me or did Draco Malfoy really just compliment a Gryffindor?" she said with mock horror. _

"_Why, you jealous Granger? Its perfectly alright you know. I am quite irresistible." _

_Hermioen huffed, "you wish!"_

_They had reached the corridor of their head common room by this time and suddenly Malfoy stopped abruptly,twisting her around and pulling her flush against his body. Hermione stared at him in stunned disbelieve._

"_Oh but I do Granger. You have no idea how much." There was something in his voice. Something that Hermione couldn't quite place her finger on. _

_She should struggle, push him away and hex him into oblivion. But for some reason, she found herself unable to move. His warm breath tickled against the sensitive spot behind her neck and she trembled with alien sensations. _

"_You want Weasly to notice you, you might wanna do this to him" he said trailing a long finger down the side of her face. He delved his hands in her hair lacing his fingers behind her head, drawing her face dangerously close to his. "And this too." _

_With his face inches from hers, he stared down deeply into her eyes. When her senses were filled completely by him, he whispered, "and finally this."_

_He closed the last gap, putting his mouth softly on hers for a brief second. A thousand volt electricity shot through her entire body and she gasped aloud in dismay when his mouth left hers._

_Malfoy smirked, twitching an eyebrow at her and disappeared into their shared common room. Hermione stood gazing at his retreating back._

_Ron who?_

_It had been the sweet beginning of their secret relationship that grew from that day on._

_*** _

He had changed her entire world. She was standing at the same place she had been when she first let him in her life. Only now, that piece of land had been neatly cut away and placed in a different planet. And this was where she would be for the rest of her life, stuck in dreams of the past.

Hermione pulled away slightly from him when Draco remained silent to her question.

She smiled up at him sadly and said, "You know, Malfoy, I have realized something. This is how things are going to be between us. You and me with our own individual romantic endeavors. You with pansy me with Ron or whoever." She touched his cheek and softly shook her head, "but the thing is, we can never have with anyone else what we had with each other. You gave me the best months of my life…" her voice broke but her gaze was still intense, "and then you took it all away Draco."

"You know perfectly well why we had to break it off. You know my obligations Hermione. I can't put you in danger." He said quietly.

And it all came down to that. Always.

He had never claimed to love her. And neither had she. It was the one weakness that both of them absolutely refused to cave in to. But he had always conveyed that he had more important priorities in life.

"And don't' forget, Weasly was always your first choice." He added harshly.

Of course. His other excuse. She remembered the night he broke it off with her like it was yesterday.

***

_Ron had been acting strange all day, following her around and opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish as if he wanted to tell her something but changing his mind in the last second. Harry had a knowing smirk on his face that almost rivaled draco malfoy's. Seemed like that smirk was fast becoming the new fad. The youngest Malfoy would have to learn to keep up._

_Hermione glanced up at Harry and Ron nervously at the lunch table wondering what the boys were up to. _

_What if they had finally discovered her secret? She spluttered on her food. _

_She found herself sitting alone with Ron at potions, Harry having being paired with Neville. Hermione wondered if it was deliberate. Draco sat just behind her with Zabini. Hermione blushed as Drcao sent her a knowing look. She still could not believe she had slept in his bed last night. Just slept of course. Nothing else. _

_Once again, Ron looked up at her when he thought she wasn't noticing and averted his gaze at once when she caught him. _

_Hermione was beginning to get annoyed. "Okay Ronald, out with it. I refuse to take anymore of your goldfish act!" _

"_Hermione I really like you. Will you go out with me?" he said in a rush. _

_Hermione almost laughed at the irony o f the situation. She had crushed on this boy for the last four years and now that she was over him, he pulled out the guts to tell this to her. _

"_What about Lavender, Ron?" she asked_

"_Uh, Hermione that was nothing. I was just still jealous over the Krum thing." He said grinning. "So what do you say, Hermione?"_

"_I say you have my blessings Weasel and mudblood. Pea brain and big brain would go well together." A voice a piped up from behind. "Go ahead, Granger. Say yes, you know you want to."_

_Hermione felt herself freeze at Draco's harsh words. And she didn't even stop Ron when he threw a punch directly into Draco's nose. Tears rose in her throat. How could he do this to her? After last night, after the last few months. Had they meant nothing?_

_As Snape yelled at Ron, giving him a month's detention and sending Draco to Madam Pomfrey, Hermione made a reckless decision. _

_She turned to Ron and said, "Ron, I would be happy to go out with you." _

_And Draco and Hermione were over just like that._

_*** _

Hermione wiped away her tears.

"You are right. Ron was my first choice, Malfoy. But you are too blind to see that people change, their feelings change. You were too blind to see Ron was never the one I loved." She pushed herself away from him and fled to the library.

***

**A/N- Thank you for reading. Now please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- I know that this story was initially a one shot but I just couldn't leave it as it was. It made me sad. So I am going to add a few more chapters. Hope you like this. **

Another night. And he was all alone. Only firewhisky and memories to take him through the loneliness.

He closed his eyes. And it was the fourth year Yule ball all over again .Ah, there she was. Gliding down the stairs, shy smile and flirty eyes. A princess in a dream. Yes she was, and never could be more than, an exotic dream, a lingering trace of lost youth, lost innocence.

Now she was staring at his eyes intensely as if she could see into his very soul. And he knew that if there ever was anyone who could truly see him, it was her. They were dancing in the moon light now, her head nestled into his chest, the wind blowing in her hair. He was reaching down to whisper the three magic words into her ears. And she was looking up at him, tears in her eyes, a smile softly playing in the corner of her lips. She was an extraordinary sight.

And she would forever remain only behind his closed eyes.

As he drank the last swig of firewhisky, his left arm burned. Voldemort was calling him. Tonight, on the final battle, he would chose between keeping the dream alive or the reality.

He closed his eyes one more time to take strength from the memory of their last night they had spent together almost a year ago…

***

_She loved him. The realization hit him with a force that was staggering. Pleasure and pain at this knowledge spread through him in equal amounts. His heart seemed to sing and scream out in agony all at the same time. _

_He stood leaning back against the wall of the corridor, the very one where he had cornered her moments ago. He watched her retreating back, her shoulders slumped, her curls flying as she took long strides to put as much distance from him as possible. _

_In a daze, he dragged himself to the Great Hall for dinner. His eyes roamed to the Gryffindor table. He saw Ron Weasly sitting with the Brown girl and talking with food in his mouth. Draco sneered at the disgusting sight. Then his eyes found Hermione, sitting at the very end of the table far away from the weasel. Potter sat beside her with a comforting hand on her shoulder, and threw occasional scowls at Ron's direction. Draco was unpleasantly surprised when Potter suddenly looked up to give him a direct stare. Burning green eyes met his own icy blue ones. For the first time in both boys' lives, they appraised each other not with animosity but with plain understanding. _

_She had told Potter everything, Drcao realized. And it looked like Potter had taken the news pretty well. _

_All around him, people were lost in the merriment of the end of exams. For the seventh year students, this was almost the end of Hogwarts. Draco felt a sudden ache in his heart as he leaned back in his chair to stare up at the enchanted ceiling. It was a stormy night outside the castle. _

_He would miss this place. Despite his complaints throughout the years, Hogwarts had been home to him like Malfoy Manor never could be. It was in the heart of this castle that he had grown up. And above all that Hogwarts had given him Hermione. Albeit for a short time only._

_Shutting himself off from the nonsensical chatter around him, he trained his eyes on her face now, on the unbelievable sadness in her eyes. She sat with her face resting on her hand staring into space. Her curls blew softly around her face. How many times had he played with that hair, curling them around his fingers, tugging at them just to make her mad, letting them tickle his own neck. He remembered achingly the night before he had broken up with her when he had laid down with her till dawn with his face buried inside that hair and holding her small form to himself all night. And then waking up to her small, sweet kisses in the morning. It had been the most romantic morning of his life. He had tackled her underneath him, tickling her sides until she was breathless with squealing and laughing and then he had kissed her long and hard. After what seemed like an eternity, she had pulled his face up, cupping his cheeks and stared into his eyes for the longest time with her own eyes shinning with some unknown emotion. It was as if she was waiting for something. For him to say something._

_He had understood then that she was falling for him. He had figured his own feeling a long time ago. But he had also known the time had finally arrived for the inevitable. He had known also known that sometime else that morning; he would push her out of his life forever that very day, hurt her so bad that she went back to hating him like she never had before. _

_His plan succeeded, or so he had thought until today. In reality, he had failed. He was seventeen years old and he had already lost to life. _

_Hermione was no longer staring into space now. She was giving him the hard, determined stare that was so characteristic of her when she made up her mind about something. Delving into that chocolate warmth, the strange thought flitted across his mind that maybe some day it would be possible that love would triumph over evil, over duty. But right now, it was not worth putting her in danger._

_When the fest ended, he did not go to the head's common room that he shared with Hermione because he did not think he could take more of her presence that night. Instead, he went down to the quidditch pitch to fly on the Hogwarts grounds for one last time._

_Cold, harsh air whipped around his face as he accelerated towards the stormy sky. Ah, here was freedom at last. Freedom from the world, from all bondages._

_Later he trudged back to the castle and into the head common room, tired and soaking wet. No fire lit the fireplace. The room was dark and cold. Without bothering to dry his drenched cloths or light a fire, he dropped down on the stone floor. The cold did nothing to ease the ache in his heart. It only brought icy tears into his eyes that refused to spill. His throat clogged, his shoulders shook with silent sobs but still there were no tears._

_And then suddenly, there were small, warm hands circling his shoulders from behind, rubbing his chest. Dejectedly, he leaned into that small bundle of warmth. It was this that finally melted his tears. As he cried into her chest, Hermione held him tightly, rocking him like a babe. _

"_Draco…oh Draco," she whispered achingly. _

_He sought her mouth, plunging into a kiss like a dying man. He tugged at her lips desperately, trying to lose himself into the mindless pleasure that her lips always provided. So many, many months without her kiss. How had he survived?_

_But even though his heart longed for her, his brain protested. He could never make her his. Voldemort would kill her and his family. Voldemort was already furious with him for failing to kill Dumbledore last year. Draco had mercifully been give just one more chance. Tomorrow the mission would finally be completed. he had made all the preparations. Hermione would finally find out what all his scerecy were about..._

_Pushing her away roughly, he bellowed in a hoarse voice, "Granger, get your filth away form me. I don't need you, you hear me? I DON'T NEED YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE!" _

_Instead of running away to her room, hurt and bewildered like he had expected, she slapped him hard on his face then pulled him to her for another staggering kiss._

"_Malfoy, you git, I have taken enough crap from you!" she said grabbing fistful of his hair. "Not anymore. So just shut up okay? Just shut up and let me have this one night with you. I don't care what happens after this. I just want this one night, Draco."_

_With a last groan, he leaned into her embrace as they lost themselves in a wild night of lovemaking._

_***_

He sat down in one of the tables in the Great Hall huddled in a corner with his family. It was finally over. Voldemort had been defeated. The Malfoys had been saved from a lifetime imprisonment in Azkaban because of his last minute change in alliance. As soon as he had felt the dark mark burn tonight, he had alerted the Order. He had led the army into a bloody battle. He had fought for the good side.

Tonight, Hogwarts sang with celebration and cried with mourning all at the same time. Grief and relief echoed through the castle. Because even though good had triumphed, dozens of lives had been lost. Hundreds of families, broken. It would take the next few decades for those who had seen this great war to truly recover form its impact.

He watched the golden trio surrounded by tearful and laughing friends. He fixed his gaze on Hermione. Her face was stained with dirt, her hair lank and her body thin. But her eyes had not lost their glow. Her smiled was as brilliant as ever as she hugged her many friends.

And now the question was, would he want him back?

***

Hermione looked around her new apartment. It had now been two months since Voldemort and his death eaters had been defeated. For the better part of the time, Hermione had spent with the Weaslys while hunting for a place of her own. As the days passed, the hole in heart grew more and more prominent. She felt a sense of loss that was incomparable to anything she had ever felt before in her life.

Her parents were dead. Gone. Killed by death eaters the night before the battle at Hogwarts. Grief at their death tore her apart everyday.

And he hadn't come back to her. The thought ate away her senses from the inside out.

"Hermione. Are you sure you don't want us to stay a little longer?" Harry inquired, walking into the living room. Harry and Ron had been helping her all day with the move.

"I am sure Harry." She said smiling at her best friend.

"Let's go out for a bite together. It'll be fun. I don't think I am ready to let my Hermione go away from us yet." Harry said softly, his brilliant green eyes looking a little sad.

Hermione went up to hug him. "Oh Harry, you silly goose! It's not like I am moving away to another country! You can visit me any minute of the day. And we will probably still get to hang out just like old times."

"But you'll have your own job now and you will be living alone, are you sure you'll have time for us?"

"Of course I will." She assured. "And make sure that no matter what happens in life and who you are with, you will always have a little space just for me, okay?"

"Sure Hermione." This time Ron quipped as he returned from the kitchen, "you'll always be our special girl! Now look here, I have food the food my mum sent in the kitchen. And mum has ordered you to drop by the burrow at once if you need anything. I have to leave now, Hermione. Got a hot date tonight." He pecked her on her cheek and Hermione gave him a hug as well. She had forgiven him a long time ago. "See you soon, Hermione. Coming, Harry?"

"You go, I will take a minute." Harry turned back to Hermione and said seriously. "Hermione, how are you holding up? Tell me honestly."

Hermione shuffled on her feet, "My parents died without any knowledge of having a daughter. The man I love seems to have abandoned me for good but that doesn't stop me from missing him every single second of the day." She produced a hollow laugh. "But I am holding up pretty well, Harry."

"Do you want me to talk to Malfoy? I know that Slytherin git is probably just too scared to come and face you."

"No! Harry he will have to come to me when he's ready. Otherwise things will fall apart all over again."

Five minutes after Harry had finally left, Hermione was curled in s fetal position on her couch, crying her heart out as she thought back to that morning a year ago when Draco had left her all alone for good…

***

_It had been a wonderful and a sad night for both of them. Now, he held her from the back, spooning her, kissing her neck and stroking her curls with his face. After a while, Hermione started to feel wetness around her neck. His breaths came heavy and short. _

_Immediately, she turned in his arms to face him, cupping his cheeks and kissing the tears away. _

"_Hermione," he choked out, "I wish… if there was any way… Merlin, I don't know what to do!"_

"_Draco, come over to the good side. Fight with us. Fight so that this can all be over." Hermione whispered. _

"_You don't understand. Hermione, you and your friends have only had to face him a few times. But I have seen him at his most evil. I have seen the way he plots, tortures and murders. You haven't seen half of what he is capable of or what he has in store for the wizarding world. He will kill my parents, Hermione. He will destroy them. He won't finish me off that easily but he will torture me with the death of my family and everyone I care for!"_

"_Dumbledore can protect you-"Hermione stated to insist when he cut her off._

"_He wasn't able to protect the Potters or Sirius black and many others. They all died in the end. No one lives once Voldemort targets them. Potter got off so many times by sheer luck, Hermione, you have to admit this. And don't you understand the danger you are putting yourself in by associating with me?"_

"_Draco, I am a mudblood and Harry Potter's best friend." Hermione said grimly, "I think am already in Voldenort's list."_

"_Yes," he cried, "and if I change sides, he will target you even more because you dared to turn a pure blood against him. I won't have that, Hermione, I wont!"_

_She had nothing to say to him after that. She only held him close to her through the night. Until he feel into a troubled sleep. Until she too drifted away into the darkness knowing that he wouldn't be in her arms when she woke up in the morning._

_***_

Hermione cried. With every tear that she shed, she relived a fresh new memory. And with each memory came fresh bouts of pain.

She cried for the lies she had told herself for so many months. She cried for the parents who had died without any knowledge about the existence of a daughter. She cried for Draco. She cried for the baby she had lost.

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer- I don not own Harry Potter. **

It was agony just to wake up every morning and face the world. She wanted only to hide under the pillows to block out the harsh glare of daylight that plummeted her into reality from her dreams. Somehow, in the darkness, it was easy to slip back into memories of the past. But once the sun rose and the gold rays slipped in through her curtain and danced over her eyes to bring her back from her memories, there was no avoiding the call of the real world, of the nightmare.

She was living in pieces and with each passing day, they broke into even smaller pieces. She was afraid that one day soon, she would just crumble into dust and debris.

Because everyday, she lied. She told herself and everyone else that she was fine, she was happy. They say that when you live a lie for too long, you start to believe it as well. Bullshit. She had tried a thousand times to turn her lies into truth. She had failed every time. Because what was truth anyway? What was real? For her everything was an illusion. She lived in that illusion. She lived upon a figment of her imagination. Dreams couldn't be lies, could they?

But her nightmare, it seemed, was a just a dream away. Hermione kept her eyes closed, holding on to the dream that the unrelenting sun had woken her up from.

***

_Gosh, the boy was getting big, thought Hermione as she threw the quaffle, a little higher this time, to the excited five year old zooming on a toy broom just a few feet above the ground. _

"_Mommy, high, throw high!" the little blond boy with the chocolate brown eyes squealed, bouncing on the broom. _

_Hermione smiled ruefully and threw the quaffle at him even higher. Her son caught it easily without needing to move his broom at all. Even six months back, he would have had to jump and throw his hands high over his head to catch the ball. How much longer would he want to play with his mom like this?_

_The little boy now jumped to the ground and walked towards his mother, his silhouette haloed against the brilliance of the setting sun behind him. Settling his small body on her lap, he looked up at her with those melting brown eyes and asked timidly, "Why are you sad mommy?"_

_Hugging the soft body tightly and kissing the cherubic cheeks, Hermione said, "Oh sweetie, mommy is sad because she is scared that when she wakes up you will be gone. Mommy hates herself for giving you up."_

_He touched her cheek. "But mommy, I am here now, see, playing with you. I love you mommy."_

"_I love you too, baby, so much." She struggled to keep the tears form spilling, "and you are here now but I wish you could be with me always, forever and not just in my dreams."_

_He kissed her sweetly on the cheek and moved away, "I have to go now, mommy. Bye."_

"_No, Ethan! Don't go, baby, please don't go!" Even as she pleaded, her son was melting away with the sun and the sky. Night had fallen. And now all that remained was darkness and silence. _

_***_

Mechanically, Hermione put on her cloths for work, made breakfast and set out. Her mask slid back in place.

She smiled, she chatted, she inquired, she socialized. And all of it was a lie, a pretence. Because inside, the pain throbbed away. Inside, she could not care less about those people at work talking to her about their house needing a new wing, their arguments with husbands, their problems with kids. And to say she did not care was a lie in itself because truth was, their stories affected Hermione very much. Their stories were her envy, her bitterness because why was their life so close to perfection while hers was falling apart with each passing day?

But of course it was much easier to tell herself she did not care. Easier to tell herself she was fine. Easier to tell herself that she had never had a child because if a child was never born, he didn't exist at all, right?

Yes, in the day, she lied to herself, pretending she never had a son. At night she lied to herself again by pretending that her son was still alive, existing and growing up before her eyes.

***

It felt good to be back in his own country again, thought Draco, walking up the crowded street of Diagon alley. That is if you ignored the stares, the various reporters with cameras, ogling at him and the people who were still resentful towards ex death eaters, who turned their noses up at him. It would have felt even better if _she_ was not staring at him with dumfound eyes from her table at the restaurant.

It was karma. It had to be karma that had thrown Hermione Granger, the one person that he was trying to avoid with all his might, into his face within less than a week of his returning to England. Karma was getting back at him for all the mean things he had done in his life. Karma was a bitch.

She had changed over the last five years. Her face had lost the youthfulness and now she was a woman in every sense of the word. She was more beautiful than ever.

His next thought was to scold himself severely for that first thought. Hermione Granger had no place what so ever in his life anymore. Bitterness and pain filled his hear in equal amounts. Hermione had kicked him out of her life the day she had given up their baby. He had no need for a woman who had killed his child. Memories of the day he had found about her treachery filled his mind.

***

_It was exactly two moths after the war that he finally gathered the courage to face her. He had kept putting it off, telling himself that being there for his father during his trials was more important. And then he realized that this was why he never had her, because he had lied to himself and believed that he had more important things in life than her. Truth was she was now the sole purpose of his life. But what if this time, _she_ rejected him? After what he had put her through, she had every right to. _

_He had heard that she was staying with the Weaslys. At the doorstep of the Burrow, Mrs. Weasly told him that Hermione had moved to her own apartment just this very morning. The woman gave him the address and he immediately apparted to the outside of a building at Hogsmead. _

_As he neared the half ajar door, she could hear loud voices coming form inside. He could detect Hermione's and Harry Potter's voice. H knew he really shouldn't eavesdrop but the mention of his name stooped him from entering the room and announcing his arrival. Instead, he cast a disillusionment charm on himself and listened as the voices got louder."_

"_Do you want me to talk to Malfoy? I know that Slytherin git is probably just too scared to come and face you." Potter said. The Gryffundor git, thought Draco. What the hell did Potter know about the matters of the heart? _

"_No! Harry he will have to come to me when he's ready. Otherwise things will fall apart all over again." Hermione cried. At this Draco felt a little flutter in his heart. So she was waiting for him. There was still a good chance that she would take him back. Potter's next words though, made his heart stop right in its tracks. _

"_Don't you think you should at least tell him about the baby, Hermione? He deserves to know, dammit!" _

"_What baby, Harry?" yelled Hermione, "I never had a baby. It was never born. It never existed! What I had, Harry, was a stupid fetus! A damn fetus that I killed! End of story. Nothing can change this fact. As for telling Malfoy, I doubt he will care, Harry. He didn't want me so I don't think he would have wanted that extra burden of a child."_

"_Hermione you didn't-_

"_Please, Harry, just go. I can't handle this right now. I need to be alone. Please." _

_Numbly, Draco watched Potter walk out. From inside the apartment, he could hear the sound of sobbing. His heart was now slamming against his ribs painfully. _

_They had had a child. Hermione had aborted that child. Without telling him. _

_He took strength form Hermione's betrayal to turn away from her tears. She had the nerve to cry? How dare she? _

_All his life, he had had all his decisions made for him be someone else. And now she had done this too? She had deliberately cut him away from something that was his too. She had no right. No bloody right. _

_He stumbled upon the snow and fell on the ground. He blinked and shook his head to clear his vision. The red roses he had brought for her turned to ashes as he stared at them. Not before a thorn had pricked his finger though. A drop of blood trickled down to mesh with the snow. It was an ironic reminder that he had been a fool to think that Hermione was an innocent flower. He had been blind to her deadly thorns all along._

_***_

Without even a nod at her direction to acknowledge her presence, Draco willed himself to walk away from Hermione Granger once again.

***

He knew, Hermione realized. The knowledge had been in his eyes, in the pure disgust and revulsion that he had thrown her way. But how, she thought numbly.

She put a trembling hand over her mouth as she wondered if this was the reason he never came back to her. But shouldn't he have confronted her for an explanation at least before cutting her off from his life?

It had been surreal seeing him after so many years. In the silent minutes that passed staring at each other, she had wanted with all hear might to throw herself into his arms, to seek the comfort and security that he could always provide. Because Merlin knew she just could not hold everything within herself anymore. She needed to be free. She needed to live again. She just didn't know where to start.

Somewhere in the logical part of her brain where there still existed a ghost of the brilliant mind of the smartest witch of the generation, a voice said that even acknowledging that she need to start a new life meant that she was finally beginning to heal after a long five years. But even this thought made her feel as if she was committing a betrayal. She needed another dose of harsh pain to relieve her from the guilt and so she allowed her self to relive the memories again.

***

"_Harry, Harry! Please don't let them do it, Harry!" she sobbed hysterically as she was carried to St. Mungo's. Her desperate pleas were ignored. Healers gathered around her and soon she found her senses spiraling down the tunnel of darkness. _

_She woke up feeling so empty that her insides burned. _

_Time after time, she called out for her mother. She moved her limbs frantically but there was absolutely no feeling in them whatsoever. She wondered if she was dead because the only sensation she had was of the burning emptiness. Only a small corner of her brain seemed to function. She had no memory of the past few hours. Only flashes of moments passed by her eyes like broken scenes of a movie. _

_Dizzy, so dizzy. In and out of consciousness. She kept calling out but found her voice too weak. She clutched the first hand she found, maybe a healer's, for a small sign that she was alive. _

_The hand let go and now all she could do was stare up at the ceiling at a spot of light for what felt like an eternity, until the feelings came back in her body._

_As the anesthetic charm slowly wore off, she realized she had been condemned with a fate worse than death. She had to bear the guilt of killing her baby for the rest of her life._

_In the months that followed, she felt like something had changed inside of her, had shifted beyond recognition. She felt like she had collapsed within herself and in her place now existed a shadow of what she used to be, of what her life used to be._

_She fought with herself everyday. She fought with the memories, with the regret, with the guilt. Guilt that sucked her in deeper and deeper until she no longer knew what it felt like to be free. _

_***_

The person she had been could never come back, Hermione thought, because that girl had seen too much, lost too much. The emptiness inside could never be filled with anything else.

She could never allow herself to heal. She wanted to hold on to the pain because this pain was a satisfaction, a balm to her conscience. Because somehow hurting herself made up for what she did. It almost made things okay again. But wait, things could never be okay again, they should not be. That would mean she was forgiving herself and in no way did she have the right to do that.

And thus the cycle went on and on. Day after day. Year after year.

***

**A/N- Thank you for reading. please review.**

**I just want to say here that please do not judge the situation of Hermione and her baby yet. There is a reason why she had to abort the baby which will be revealed in the next chapter. **

**I know this chapter focuses mainly on Hermione but more Draco coming up, promise! **

**As usual, I look forward to your opinions. Please let me know what you think. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter. **

She was smallish. She had brown eyes. She even had bushy hair. And she was available.

Draco sought her out, chatting her up and soon the girl was a sliding her hand up his chest suggestively. He smirked and lead her out of the bar and apparated to his house.

An hour later with his itch satisfied, he sent the scowling girl on her way. He never let them stay the night. He hadn't let a girl spend the entire night with him since Hermione.

Dammit, he did _not_ want to think about her!

He thought he had left that part of his life, her, behind a long time ago. After the war, he moved to France, started a new life there, a new job and he threw himself into work. And soon he stopped dreaming of her. Sure the first few months were tough. He would wake up in the middle of the night hurting so badly, wanting her so much that he thought he would go insane. But then he would viciously remind himself of her betrayal and that was how he would survive the night.

Soon, the pain dulled away to a vague nostalgic tug. In his mind, those days they had spent together took on a burnished golden hue. Almost too perfect for reality. And over as soon as it started. He tried to remember the good times only, absolutely refusing to let his mind wander to the bad ones. But now and again the pain would grab him by the threat, tear right down to the gut. But he would shake it off. He would go to the nearest bar, pick out a girl that looked similar to her and numb his mind with a few hours of sex.

But dammit, seeing her after all these years had ripped his heart open once again and try as much as he want, he could not numb himself to it anymore.

Returning to England had been a mistake. Each and everything reminded him of the dark past that he had been trying to evade since the end of the war. This very house had become unbearable to him. Because it was in here that Voldemort took up temporary residence. Here that Hermione was tortured by his aunt while he had to stand by doing absolutely nothing.

Cursing loudly, he put on his robes again and started pacing the room. It was going to be one of those nights…

He saw her again the next day, in that same restaurant at lunch time. She was alone, with a book in her hand, pushing food around her plate inattentively.

Draco scowled. Did she have to look so damn lonely?

Today, he dropped down on the chair opposite hers without permission. Startled, she looked up from her book and just stared. Yesterday, he had thought she looked more beautiful than ever before. Now, up close, he could see the slightly pale tinge to her skin, the bags and circles around her eyes and the tell tale frown lines around her mouth that said she didn't smile much. What in the hell was wrong with her?

"Hello, Granger."

He admired how quickly she composed herself because when she spoke, her voice held no trace of the hundred nameless emotions that he could see brimming in her eyes.

"You are back, I see."

He produced a mirthless laughter, "Very observant of you, Granger."

"Is there something you wanted, Malfoy?"

He leaned back and sneered, "Yes, Granger. What I want is answers. And you better have them for me because unless you can come up with some really good ones, I am going to personally make your life hell!" He spat.

Unfazed by his threat, she calmly took a bite of her chicken. "Maybe it already is, Malfoy."

He snorted, "Spare the self pity, Granger! You and I both know that you are not the person that you pretend to be. You maybe the smartest witch and the freaking war hero but you can't hide what you really are from me."

"Pray, tell me, Malfoy, what am I, then?" she asked in that irritatingly quiet voice.

Anger blazed through his blood so that he saw red spots before his eyes. Had he really expected her to come clean just because he had asked her to? He was a bloody idiot.

"You are a murdering bitch, Hermione Granger. You killed our baby!" he clenched out.

She gave him a hard direct stare, her eyes frozen and unreadable, "I don't know what you are talking about, Malfoy. I never had a baby."

***

Hermione winced and braced herself against the raw violence that blazed in his eyes. She knew that they were in a crowded restaurant and there was nothing he could do to her in a place like this. But that did not stop the rush of fear that ran up her spine. She almost wanted him to hit her, to get the whole thing over with by receiving a few well deserved blows.

His hands were balled up into fists, his knuckles white. His voice when he spoke was lethal, "I am not going to hit, you Granger. Merlin knows I want to but I won't. And even if I did, it still won't be as appalling and lowly as what you did."

And with that, he was up, shoving the chair aside and striding out of the restaurant. People gaped after him. They gaped at her. They spoke in low voices. They pointed.

The tears did not come. She wished they would. There had been a time in her life when she had been able to cry at will to release even the smallest amount of pain inside her. But now, her eyes burned, her throat hurt, but there were no tears to be shed. Her aching heart had numbed her towards all emotion. And it wasn't as if she had anything more left in her to shed.

Once, she had been a romantic. She had been a child who had dreamed of a dramatic romance before settling down with the love of her life. Like something out of those romantic novels. But now all that was left in her life was the drama. She had no place for romance in her life. The very idea made her skin crawl.

Once she would have dreamed and wanted Draco to burst back into the restaurant, take her in his arms and kiss her long and hard. Demand to know what was wrong with her. Strip down all her defenses until she had no choice but to bare out her soul to him.

But she was a grown woman now. A woman who had learned to live with mind numbing pain. For one moment there, she had feared him. For her own physical safety and not for a second, her emotional one. Because she knew that there was nothing he could do to her feelings. If he thought he could push her to the breaking point, boy was he wrong. Hermione Granger had reached her breaking point ages ago. And she was till living that way.

***

_She lay on the grass, stretched out with her son beside her mimicking a similar position. Sunset bathed the sky in gold. The wind whispered in their ears._

"_Mommy, I miss daddy. Why did he leave us, mommy?" _

_She pulled the boy close and replied quietly, "Oh baby, mommy did something that made daddy very angry. That's why he left."_

_She watched the little face crunch up in thought. Finally he said, "But mommy, I get mad at you sometimes too. And I still love you when I am mad at you. So daddy must love you too even though he's mad at you, right, mommy?" _

_She didn't know what to say. She kept staring up at the rapidly darkening sky. Her son spoke again, "mommy, do you miss daddy?"_

_This time, she ruffled his golden head and smiled tenderly, "I would if you didn't remind me so much of him."_

"_Mommy, why don't you tell daddy about me? I want daddy to love me like you love me_

_"I will, baby. Soon, I will." she whispered._

_***_

Hermione woke up drenched in sweat and trembling all over. Thunder rumbled outside indicating the brewing storm. She could still feel the soft little body pressed to hers. She could feel the silky hair in her fingers. She could hear the high pitched childish voice echoing in her ears.

She slid her palm over the bed sheets. She was alone. She was always alone.

***

The Leaky Cauldron was no longer the dull and dusty place it used to be. The new owner had turned a portion of the old bar into a hip night club for the younger generation witches and wizard. People, most of them drunk, danced vigorously to the weird sisters.

He poured himself more firewhiskly, shrugging off a girl who had been clinging to him for the last few minutes. The girls he had picked up the last few days had failed to do anything to ease the restlessness in his mind. _She_ had taken this away from him as well.

Tonight, he was planning on getting drunk as an alternative way to numb his brain. That was when another of his least favorite persons appeared in front of him.

"Malfoy, long time."

Draco did not even pretend to hide his groan. "Potter, what do you want?" he asked exasperated already.

Potter ignored him and ordered oak mature mead. "I heard what happened at the restaurant that day with Hermione. You threatened her, Malfoy. Not a wise thing to do."

Draco found his fists balling automatically. "And how is that any of you business, Potter, I fail to see." He sneered.

"She happens to be my best friend, Malfoy. Or have you forgotten? You dare to hurt her in anyway, there will be hell to pay." Potter said dangerously, his drink standing forgotten.

Since the boy wonder had already riled him up, Draco decided to annoy Potter more, "I don't remember you doing anything when your best friend, the weasel, cheated on your other best friend In school."

He could see Potter turning red and his hand inching towards his pocket where he kept his wand. Draco muttered an oath and swung out his own wand," Don't even thin about it, Potter. You better leave me alone, now!"

"What Ron did to her doesn't even come close to what you did, Malfoy!

"I didn't do a thing to her, Potter! That's the whole point! You are still the pig head you used to be if you can't accept that."

Draco cursed again. What in the hell was he doing even talking to Potter?

"I shouldn't be telling you this. She will kill me for this but Merlin, Malfoy, I can't bear seeing her like this anymore. And you of all people making things more difficult for her. Its time you hear the truth, Malfoy." Said Potter.

"Stop, Potter. There's nothing you can tell me that I don't know already." Draco said hotly, "she aborted my baby. What more do I need to know?"

"You need to know why she did it for starters, dammit!"

"She did it so that she go off running with you and Weasly to save the wizarding world and be a fucking hero!" he yelled, ignoring the people around them who had stopped moving and was staring at the two former enemies openly. "And guess what, she got what she wanted. Period. But she is never going to have my forgiveness."

Draco closed his eyes and swallowed what felt like razor blades in his throat. His chest burned his mouth tasted like ash. Damn Potter for making him relive this again. He had tried for five years to forget Hermione, their relationship and the baby. And now he dared to throw all that again in his face?

"She misscaried, Malfoy! She didn't give the baby up. She miscarried. Merlin knows she feels that she killed it, that it was her fault the baby couldn't survive. She punishes herself everyday because of it!"

Draco staggered. His head swam and the room blurred. Reeling like a drunk he lunged for the table to steady himself. Potter couldn't be right, could he? He knew what he had heard that day five years ago. Hermione had admitted that she had given up the baby.

"She said she never had a baby. That day at the restaurant when I asked her." He said with paralyzed uncertainty. Air, he needed more air.

He watched Potter kick a chair in frustration.

"After, it happened, we thought she was okay. She went with us to find the horcruxes. Then after Voldemort was killed, she changed. It's like she withdrew within herself and blocked out reality. She refuses to speak of the baby. She doesn't want to acknowledge its existence because its just too painful for her. But she is hurting, Malfoy, and you are only one who can help her."

Draco dropped his face in his hands and bit back a groan. Merlin, what had he done?

***

**Thank you for reading. Please review. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N- Sorry for the long wait. I am currently juggling two jobs and college all together. **

Draco Malfoy woke up on a squishy couch, his limbs cramped awkwardly, a vicious kink on his neck.

Rubbing his eyes groggily, he surveyed his surroundings. He didn't remember much about last night but he did know that he was in Hermione's apartment and that she had let him spend the night, perhaps taking pity on his drunken state. It would all come back to him soon enough, he knew, but for now he settled on exploring the small home in which Hermione Granger lived.

It was quite dark. The only hint of the breaking daylight was the faint white glow against the curtains. It was a modest dwelling, with two rooms, a kitchen and a living room in the centre. He now walked towards a closed door, somehow knowing that this was Hermione's bedroom.

Turning the knob, he entered on tiptoe, his eyes detecting the sleeping form of Hermione tucked under layers of blankets. His head screamed to him that he shouldn't be here, that this was dangerous territory. But the need to be with her was too strong. The ache in his heart was too strong to ignore. Merlin, how he had wronged her!

Making up his mind, he went up to her bed and sat, leaning over her.

Eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness, he studied her troubled face, the restless movements of her head, and the occasional sounds of discomfort that issued from her. Sleep was not her friend, Draco deduced. Something behind her eyes was giving her hell and he wanted to pull her away from it and tell her everything was alright. That she was no longer alone.

She moaned painfully, clutching at the blankets, her hands taut and fisted. Draco groaned at her pain and swore under his breath.

"Fuck everything!"

He slipped under the covers swiftly and took her trembling body in his arms. She was cold. So cold. He rubbed her back frantically whispering Merlin knew what in her ears. He snuggled her face deeper into his chest feeling her breathing even out a little. He continued to stroke her hair and felt his own body now responding to such nearness. Because hell it had been so damned long! He had gone five years without that soft skin, that sweet smell, that god awful, gorgeous hair that he could not resist to this day. He had gone five years without her heart, dammit!

Her small hand slowly wound itself around his waist and her legs tangled with his. Unknowingly, she pressed closer to him, still in deep sleep. Her hands tightened around him almost painfully, as if she was holding on for dear life. And then she cried out.

"Ethan baby please don't go. Mommy is so sorry…"

Draco stiffened. She was still dreaming. She was dreaming about her child! He had to see. Fuck he had to see.

He reached between their bodies to pull out his wand from his pocket. Then, joining foreheads with her, Draco muttered a spell, "_somnium iunctus_"

***

_He hurtled down a tunnel of darkness and found him self in an endless green meadow where the sky was ablaze with the setting sun. _

_And then he saw. A sight that chilled him to the bones. A sight that warmed his blood to the point that he started to feel infinitely uncomfortable in his own body. _

_Hermione with a little boy of about six squirming in her arms. A boy who was a spitting image of him expect for the brown eyes. They hadn't noticed his arrival yet. The little boy looked indignant about something, a little scowl evident on his face._

"_You said you would tell daddy. You promised, mommy. I want daddy to come see me and play with me." said the high pitched voice of the child. _

_Draco staggered with the force of emotions that hit him. That little boy. It was his son. His son who wanted his father. And badly. There was genuine sadness in the voice and disappointment. No wonder Hermione had been so restless. _

_Throwing away all caution, Draco walked towards the pair. Hermione was trying to placate the boy, saying in an almost sobbing voice, "I am so sorry baby. But I couldn't. I am so afraid…"_

_Upon seeing him, Ethan pointed excitedly, "Mommy, look!"_

_Hermione glanced up, an almost desperate relief showing on her face as she recognized him. "Thank Merlin!" he heard her mutter. Ethan broke free from his mother's arms and bounded towards Draco, throwing his little body into bigger arms and placed a noisy kiss on Draco's cheek. Finally Ethan buried his face into his father's neck and breathed, "Daddy, you came!"_

_Heart lodged in his throat, Draco murmured, "Yes, son, sorry it took me so long…"_

_And Hermione did something that Draco knew she never would have done had she known that the real Draco Malfoy, not a figment of her imagination, had penetrated her dream. Hermione walked towards the father and son and embraced both in a three way hug. Tears of joy fell down her eyes. A family had been united at last. _

_***_

The sound of music. So heart wrenching, so pristine, so tender. It called to her from that vulnerable place between sleep and consciousness. It seemed to pull out all the sadness in her heart, tugging at her pain, stealing her tears to convert them and release them to that flood of melody. Caught between the world of dreams and reality, Hermione let the music claim her mind, engulf her brain, give her the peace that she hadn't known in years. She felt a pang in her heart, a sudden jolt of electricity shooting down her body.

Gently, the notes allowed her to float into consciousness. It was almost noon, judging by the light against her window. She did not usually sleep in late on Saturdays. But today…

The dream. It had been so strange, so wonderful, she thought. And it had left her longing and aching.

The tunes were even more beautiful now. Earthly and melancholy. Surely the player was very sad. The music seemed to have been ripped out from a soul and was carrying the pieces in the melody.

Who could be playing it?

Then she realized.

Piano. Her mother's piano. Last night. Draco Malfoy!

Hermione jumped down from bed, frantically donning on a robe and rushing out of her bedroom. Events of the previous night came tumbling to her mind.

***

"_Hey Hermione, some of us girls are going to that new bar at Leaky Cauldron. Want to come?" asked Marla Hopkins._

_Hermione continued to gather up papers and files, getting ready to go return to her home. _

"_I am sorry, Marla, but I have some work I need to catch up on_

"_Hermione, come on! It's a Friday night. Give yourself a break." Insisted her colleague. _

"_I really can't. Thanks for the offer though." Hermione said politely but firmly. Marla Hopkins shrugged and walked away._

_Hermione sighed. She could have accepted the offer really. But she just didn't feel like being with gossipy co workers at a loud and crowded bar. She would much rather curl up with a book on a couch at home or watch an old Jane Austen movie. This was exactly what she intended to do when she got back home._

_She found Draco Malfoy sitting outside her door, eyes red, a half empty bottle of firewhisky in hand, as she approached. His hair was messier than she had ever seen it. His knuckles were bloody as if he had been knocking on the door endlessly for hours._

_Hermione glanced at the sight before her coldly. Something in her stirred which she convinced herself to be merely fury at finding him outside her doorstep like this. How dare he? After the way he had treated her? _

_When she stood directly before him, he finally looked up and then hurriedly scrambled on his feet. He swayed and instinctively, Hermione clutched his arm to balance him. _

"_Hermione…" he said, his voice slurred and husky, "talk to me. Please..."_

"_Go away, Malfoy." Hermione snapped. She turned to unlock the door. Once inside, it took everything for her to slam the door shut on Draco's pleading face. _

_She heard him drop down on the floor again and his head thud as it went back to rest against the door. Heaving as if she had run miles, Hermione walked to her bedroom. Why was this so hard? She had had five years of containing every known emotion. Draco Malfoy had no business churning up any dead feelings again. _

_After changing into her pajamas, Hermione went to make the sandwich that usually sufficed as dinner. She plopped down on her couch, turning on the television and the DVD of an old Pride and Prejudice series. Time to time, she caught her eyes wandering to the front door. She knew he was still out there. She just knew it. _

_Well past midnight, Hermione sighed and walked to the door once again and opened it. Draco fell back tumbling inside her living room as the support of the door was taken away from his back. She watched as he silently picked himself up and then handed him a toast and coffee. _

"_Eat," she ordered. "You can sleep in the couch. Tell me what ever you have to, tomorrow."_

_Without a second glance behind, Hermione turned to walk away to her bedroom and shut the door a bit gently this time._

_***_

Hermione found him in the small store room where she kept a few belonging of her parents' as reminders. This included her mother's old piano that Hermione had draped with a white cloth five years ago when she had first moved to the apartment and had not even peeked at all these years. But now, the piano seemed to have come to life under the ministrations of Draco Malfoy.

The expression on his face was intense. Much too focused so that the sight of him was mesmerizing to behold. She did not dare interrupt.

Once he had finished the music on an even darker note than what he had started with, Malfoy kept staring at the keys as if hypnotized. After a while, he turned heavy lidded eyes on her and still said nothing.

Finally, Hermione burst out, "What do you want from me, Malfoy?"

***

What did he want, really? Why had he come to her? Draco had no clue anymore. It was not like there was anything more hidden for him. Potter had told him pretty much everything.

"You have got a nice piano here, Granger." He commented instead of answering her question.

"Thank you. It was my mother's." She replied politely. "Where did you learn to play like that, Malfoy?"

"It's an important part of the high society so of course my mother bullied me into taking lessons since I was eight." He said.

"Of course. Well, if you don't having anything else to say to me, you may leave."

Draco chose to ignore that too. "It's too late for breakfast. I will make you a brunch."

"Really, Malfoy, I think you should leave."

He shouldered past her to kitchen.

Potter had been right, thought Draco as he gathered dishes and food. Nothing in the world would have hinted the pain that Hermione Granger was hiding beneath that cold, nonchalant exterior. He would never have believed the extent of her hurt if he hadn't seen her dream. She had to be hurting it that was kind of world she had locked herself up in.

And he loved her, dammit. He could not lie to himself anymore by saying that he didn't. He loved her and bloody hell he would put her right again if it took everything he had.

She accepted the meal he offered her in silence, her eyes empty holes that betrayed no thought, no emotion.

Draco sat down on the chair beside her, his frustration growing by the second. He could not allow her to be so clam and unaffected when he was all frazzled up inside. Anger churned up in him now. Anger at himself for not trying to find out the truth, at her for hiding the truth form him and at life for throwing them into such circumstances. Hundred thoughts and regrets raced through his mind, building up into a fire that ate away at him; until the need to find some sort of relieve because something of a necessity.

Pushing his plate away, Draco grabbed Hermione by the shoulders turning her to face him. She looked startled but once he caught her eyes in his own, she too was unable to tear herself away. Pulling her face dangerously close to his, Draco said fiercely, "What are you thinking. Tell me what you are thinking, dammit. I can't read you anymore…"

When he received no reply and just a blank stare, the animal in him took over. He could no longer bear the closeness of her lips or her smell that he could almost taste. In one movement, he crushed his lips to Hermione's.

***

**Thank you for reading. Pease review!**

**A/N- somnium iunctus is Latin for dream and joining together respectively. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter.**

Hermione tried to resist, holding her face away and whispering threatningly, "Don't touch me, Malfoy, don't you dare touch me." He responded by dragging his mouth over her cheeks, his breath whispering over her skin.

"Yell at me later, Hermione." He said and claimed her lips once more.

She should push him away. She really should. But oh the glorious numbness that took over her senses as soon as Draco's lips touched hers. There was no pleasure in this kiss, neither tenderness nor heat. It aroused no erotic feelings. But it did rob her brain of thoughts and her heart of feeling so that the only thing she was aware of was the taste of lips under her own and the friction of tongues. Her entire being seemed to concentrate on that mouth that was giving her so much relief from her constant pain. And it was so wonderful. She never wanted this kiss to end. She wanted to remain in this haven forever. She found herself responding feverishly, craving more of what he was doing to her.

Somehow, Draco transferred her from her seat to his lap so that she was stradling his thighs and grabbing on to fistful of his hair. His hands found their way around her waist, trapping her to his hard chest. And the kiss went on, long and deep, the tangle of tongues and the nipping of lips. His hand ventured under her robe, under her top to meet bare skin. His hands were so warm. This warmth seemed to be reach to the very cold in her heart.

Without breaking the kiss, Draco pushed the robe down form her body. His hand now shifted to her stomach. Red warning signaled in her brain now. But before she could make a movement, Draco pulled his lips away, drew her thin t shirt up to expose her stomach. Hermione gasped as Draco looked down and traced the silver lines that were stretch marks. As if knowing that she was about to push him away, Draco took her lips once again and she was unable to stop him.

She pressed her body closer to his, seeking more of his warmth. His hands roamed over her back, her hair.

Her nerves were taut, her body tensed. She moaned into his mouth wanting more, needing him to earse her pain forever. Just when she was about to plead with him, he gently pulled her face away and whispered hoarsely, "I know what you are doing, Hermione. I know what you want right now. But trust me, the pain comes back even worse than before. You can't escape it like this."

And just like that, the small world where she had found so much peace, came crashing down on her as she scrambled off him to put as much distance between them as possible. Shame consumed her. Anger gripped her. What had she been thinking, letting Draco Malfoy kiss her, and kissing him back like that? How dare he imply that he knew anything about her? There was no way he could undertsnd why she had let him kiss her for so long.

"Don't presume that you know anything about me or my life, Malfoy." She said in a barely controlled voice.

Draco stood up as well. "Oh yeah? Do you know how many girls I have been with to numb my brain with lousy, meaningless sex?" Hermione took a step back and each time he stepped forward until she was trapped against the wall and Draco put his hand on either side of her, "Do you know how many miserable nights I have spent trying to forget you but pretending that those bloody whores in my bed were you anyway."

Heart racing, Hermione closed her eyes, trying not to let his words have any effect on her. "I don't care, Malfoy.. and you...you can't just come back into my life like this after five years and expect anything from me. I am not the person I was all those years ago."

"I did not come here to pick up the pieces with you, hermione. I came to hear the truth. From you. You owe me, dammit!"

"I don't owe you anything, Draco! I don't want anything to do with you! _You_ cut yourself off from my life five years ago and I want things to stay that way. I don't need you in my life, Draco Malfoy!" She said, echoing his words of so long ago.

Chest heaving from yelling, Hermione watched him stare at her without saying another word. Finally he turned away, picking up his robe and turning the knob of the front gate. Without looking back, he asked quetly, "When did you become me, Hermione?"

Before she could form an answer, Draco Malfoy had left her apartment.

***

She was drowning. And she didn't even know it yet. She was drowning in the sea of loss , grief and unhappiness that she had created for herself.

Draco knew what she was doing. Hermione was living in a world where she hafd convinced herself that she never had a baby growing inside her. The loss of a baby was definitely more pronounced and real than a fetus. She refused to accept such a loss and so she had shut herself away from it. But her subconscious mind would not let her escape the loss. He had seen first hand the dream. In her subconscience, the baby was still alive and growing up like any normal kid and that had to be hurting her, to have her loss thrown her way like that. In the real world, she was hurting twice more.

Draco pulled a frustrated hand through his hair as he absently walked along the streets of Diagon Alley at lunch time two days after after that encounter with Hermione. Couldn't the damn woman see what she was doing to herself, that it would be better to accept and acknowledge her loss in order to move forward? Or could it be that she wanted to be stuck in this perpetual painful state to feed the guilt of her subconcious mind?

The first thing, Draco decided, was to get her to tell him the absolute truth. He would use every one of his Slytherin traits, every downright lowly technique his father had ever taught him, to do what he needed to, to achieve what he wanted and without letting anything get in his way.

Purposefully, he guided his legs towards the restaurant outside which Hermione had lunch everyday. As expected, he found her toying with her food with a book in her hand.

Today, he did not make the mistake of dropping down on her uninvited.

"Hi." He said. Hermione did not look up at once though he could see that she had recognized his voice. She let out a long sigh first and then glanced up at him.

"Hello, Malfoy. Still stalking me, I see."

Draco grimaced and took the seat opposite hers. "Don't try to be sarcastic, Hermione. It was never your style."

He watched her lean forward, staring at him thoughtfully. Folding her fingers under her chin, she said, "Giving a bloody shit to anyone other than yourself was never your style either, Malfoy."

"_Touché_."

Now her eyes took on a haunted look. "You know what I don't get, Malfoy?"

He shook his head, internally knowing exactly what was coming and cringing mentally because of it.

"You left me, Malfoy." Came the anticipated words, "Why are you trying to crawl back into my life? Why are you suddenly pretending that you know all about me? What do you stand to gain by it?"

Draco did his best to ignore the pang in his heart, to keep the hurt away fromm his voice. "You are the smart one, Granger," he said in a hollow voice, "why don't you figure it out for yourself?"

"Hmmn, let me think. Well I do believe that, like old times, you still get a kick out of bugging the hell out of me and thats why you are doing all these?"

"Is that all that you brilliant brain can come up with? Its quite pitiful, Granger." Draco replied lightly even thiugh her every word stung like bitch.

"You are still a pathetic little ferret, Malfoy! How many more times do I have to tell you to stay the hell away from my life?" She spat. The return of the blazing anger in her eyes was oddly satisfying to Draco. Anything was better than her icy coolness. And this egged him on even more. He leaned closer to her and dropped his voice to a whisper, a prominant contrast to her yells.

"You didn't seem to think I was so pathetic when you were kissing me like I was the only living man on earth the other day, Granger." This was exactly the point he wanted to play upon, exactly where he had wanted to get her in the first place.

Hermione didn't so much as blink. A slight sneer curled her lips. " I am not surprised you brought this up, Malfoy. I wouldn't put it past you to try any possible underhanded method to get to me. Too bad that I just don't really give a damn to any of your perverted remarks."

"Is that true?" Boldly, he reached out to trace the underside of her wrist where he could feel her pulse speed up almost instantly. He watched delicate goosbumps form on her arm and heard her sudden intake of breath. " No one can do _this_ to you, Hermione." Drcao smiled. "I remember you telling me once that we can never have with anyone else what we had with each other. Thats still true, see?"

Hermione stared at the finger that was lightly drawilg circled over the skin of her wrist. In the next second, she jerked he hand away. "We are over, Draco. You are once again way too late." With that, she pushed her chair back and stomped away.

Draco only grinned as he stretched back and watched her go. It was better late than never, he thought.

***

Hermione started pacing in her room.

She had been a celibate for too long. Surely that was the reason Draco's touch affected her so much. Draco's words meant nothing to her, she convinced herself. He had just been presuming too much as usual.

But of course once she formed a theory, she just had to test it out to check its validity. And she had found just the perfect candidate for it. She would show Draco Malfoy that she was till in touch with her inner woman.

As if on que, the door bell rang and entered Ron Weasly.

"Hermione! I came as soon as I got your owl. Are you okay? Is there a problem?" He asked, appraising his friend carefully.

"Sit down, Ron." She said cooly even though she could feel her stomach churning. She was doing the right thing wasn't she? "Are you currently dating anyone, Ron?"

"What? What brought that on, Hermione?"

'You didn't answer my question, Ron."

"Well, I blew my last date by getting too exicted over the upcoming Chudley Canon game. The girl wasn't much of a quidditch fan, see..."

As Ron rambled on about his disastrous date, Hermione, who was sitting beside Ron on the couch, leaned forward and kissed him.

When Ron did not move back, she held on to his lips. And she waited.

She waited for the feeling of numbness to settle in. She waited for the fire to chase away the ice. She waited for the sensations. She waited. She waited even when Ron took control and tugged her lips into his mouth. Even when he crushed her body to his.

Ron pulled away slowly and Hermione hung her head in shame. This wasn't what she had expected. She could feel his blue gaze on her, silently waiting for some kind of an explanation.

"I am sorry, Ron"

He nodded. "This is about Draco, isn't it?" he asked quietly.

She didn't say anything. Ron cursed.

"He has you riled up once again, that bloody ferret! Hermione, you know better than to let him get to you after all that he has done!"

There was no pointing in denying it. "I was gettling along just fine with my life, Ron, before he came back." Hermione said in a shaky voice. "Why did he have to come and ruin everything again?"

Ron put his arm around her in the brotherly fashion that she was used to. He seemed to have already forggotten of the embaressing situation that had occured a few seconds ago. Softly, he said, "Hermione, you haven't been fine for more than five years. You have been living like a recluse after the war. Harry and I have told you so many times over the years that you have to move on but you never listen to us."

Hermione stiffened. There was that old topic again.

"At least Draco has been able to get to you. With us, you have been nothing but a wall." Ron continued. "If he can bring you out of this shell you are living in, I am even ready to forget what a jerk he was and be grateful to him for the rest of my life."

Hermione shook her head. "I can't believe you are saying this, Ron"

"Hermione, today you did to me exactly the same thing that you did back in Hogwarts. You chose me as the rebound guy. Back then, I knew within a week that it was Draco you loved, not me. Why do you think I staged that whole act with Lavender?"

"Ron!"

"Let me get this out, Hermione. I accepted Draco back then because you loved him and I am ready to do the same now because he is the only person who can give your life back to you."

Hermione sighed. She just did not have the energy to think about all Ron had said at the moment. So instead, she said, "Have diiner with me. I will make us something."

***

**A/N- I am so sorry that I am not being able to reply to any reviews. Something is wrong with my account and I have to access my account by logging in as annoymous. But I do read all your comments and I can't tell you how much I appreciate them. Thank you guys so much.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N- You guys are seriously wonderful! Thank you so much for all the reviews. I am so sorry I still havn't been able to fix the problem with my account, hence being unable to reply to any of you. But thanks again and especially to those of you who liked my characterization of Ron. Hope you like this chapter and leave lots and lots of reviews!**

**Disclaimer- Don't own anything except the plot!**

_"Granger, hey Granger, wake up!"_

_Hermione opened her eyes slowly. Through her sleep drenched vision, she saw his face. It was so beautiful, it took her breath away. And it was just inches away from her own face. She could see the flecks of blue in the grey irises, she could count the the thick gold lashes that framed his lids. She watched the high cheek bones and the square jaw. His hair was the color of the sun rays. He looked like a golden god, like a statue that had been sculpted by the hands of Michael Angelo himself. In her dazed state, she felt a big, goofy smile spread across her lips on its own accord._

_She had been dreaming about this face just now. She had been dreaming of kissing Draco Malfoy._

_She watched his features assemble themselves into a slight frown at her smile._

_"Granger, why the hell are you smiling at me? Are you alright?" The voice seemed to come from far away. It was stern and impatient. Finally, sleep let go of her and Hermione finally realized exactly who she was smiling up at. Hastily, she picked her face up from the desk where she had fallen asleep studying. She hadn't been able to get a wink of sleep the previous night, thanks to Malfoy's strange behavior earlier that day. Strange was too kind a word. His behavior had been down right scary. Why on earth would Draco Malfoy kiss her? Was this a new strategy to make her life a living hell. Maybe he wanted to sabotage her position as Head Girl. He had made it absolutely clear how much he despised having to share his own position as Head Boy with her, on their ride to Hogwarts. Yes, this must be it. He was just trying to mess things up for her usual. After all, it must be agonizing for him that a pureblood like himself had to work with a mudblood. Maybe he wanted Pansy to be Head Girl. Hermione sniggered. Pansy. Head Girl. That would be hilarious._

_"Seriously, Granger, cut it out. You are starting to scare me."_

_Hermione glanced at the clock. It was past midnight. "Malfoy, why are you pestering me at this god awaful hour?"_

_"I need you to teach me the _renevocondo_ spell." He announced._

_Hermione yawned, gettiing up from the chair, "Can't this wait till tomorrow, Malfoy? I am really tired right now."_

_"I can't afford to lose any time, Granger. I have to learn this sepll by tonight."_

_"Why tonight?"_

_"Er, I have a test tomorrow."_

_Hermione looked at him suspiciously. "What test?"_

_"Fine. No test. McGonagall gave me extra homework for falling asleep in class. There, happy?" he sneered._

_For the first time, Hermione noticed the purple shadows under his eyes and the the fact that he looked sickly pale. She stared too long once again and Draco cleared his throat. Hermione noted that she needed to scold hereself severey for these weird thoughts about Malfoy. He was nothing but the amazing bouncing ferret._

_"Why don't you got to the library to learn the spell?" She suggested._

_"Library's closed."_

_"What did you do all day, then?"_

_"I was busy. Merlin, Granger, what's with the interrogation?" He snapped impatiently. "Will you help me or not?"_

_"Tell me, Malfoy. Why the hell should I help _you_?" Hermione asked coldly._

_"If you do, you will receive a kiss from me as your reward." He stated arrogantly. "Just like the one yesterday."_

_Hermione gasped. The git! "Yeah, Malfoy, I am just dying for your lousy, disgusting kiss!" she spat._

_He stepped closer to her his voice dropping to a whisper. "Is that right, Granger? You mean to tell me that you did not stay up all of last night thinking about our little kiss just like I did?"_

_Hermione ignored the shiver that ran through her. "No way." She lied._

_"You are a pathetic liar, Granger, you know that? Let me prove it to you right now." With that he closed the last gap and sealed her lips with his._

_It shocked her how different his kiss was from his words. Gone was the arrogance, the menace. He kissed her as if she was a porcelin doll, so gentle so tender. Just a whisper of breaths at first and then the sipping of lips. All the time his hands cupped her cheeks, his touch soft and delicate. Hermione tried to search for the hatered that he felt for her but invain. He handled her as if he knew she was wary of him, he kissed her like he wanted to show her something. What?_

_Then he slipped his tongue inside her mouth and her head started to reel from the sensations that his touch evoked. Carefully, she wrapped her arms around his waist, clinging to him, leaning into the kiss. When he finally, pulled away, he made a sound low in his throat as if he was in some kind of pain. He leaned his forhead against hers and Hermione watched a strange shadow cross his eyes. Hermione could not decipher this look. She had seen it several times in the last year. She had watched him grow paler and the shadows underneath his eyes darken gradually. The summer hand't done any good to him. Now, back for his seventh year, he still had that hollow look in his eyes._

_She felt something close to pity for this boy. Along with the regular hatred of course. But Hermione could not deny to herself any longer that she liked Draco's Malfoy's kiss. Very much indeed. And she did not know what to do about it at all._

_Draco let go of her and his familiar smirk slid back in place. "Let's get started with the spell, shall we, Granger?"_

***

Hermione rubbed her hands tiredly over her face waiting for the clock to stike eight. It must be the stuff Ron had said last night that was bringing up all these memories of Malfoy. But it was clear to her now why he had sought her out like that at the beginning of seventh year. The _Renevocondo_ spell. He must have needed it to fix the vanishing cabinet, having failed to do so throughout the sixt year. Hermione shuddered. Had she helped him then, in his mission to kill Dumbledore? He had been fake from the very beginning, she realized bitterly. And she had been so bloody blind. Nothing had ever been real between the two of them. Even after all these years, to acknowledge this fact brought with it a crippling pain. Yes, Hermione was a pathetic liar, back then. And for Draco Malfoy, lies came easier than the truth. One more reason why he could never again have a place in her life, Hermione resolved firmly.

***

On saturday evenining, while returning from a business meeting at down town London, something compelled Draco to stop at a muggle shop to buy some flowers from a small girl of about eight whose dimples winked adoringly at him when she smiled. Later, Draco stopped to scoff at himself. Little girls with flowers! What next, picking up puppies from the street? What was happening to him? His father would surely have a heart attack!

But then he realized that this was exactly what Hermione always did to him. Something about her nature insisted others be better people themselves. Just her very presence in his life now had reminded himself once again that he did posses a heart. The last time she had affected him like this was at Hogwarts when she had helped him unknowingly at the darkest time of his life despite the hatred and meaness he threw at her at every chance. But he hadn't been able to resist returning the favor.

***

_Things had been strange between him and Granger for the past two weeks ever since he had kissed her that night in their common room. Draco found himself soughting her out few times a day to take her to a secluded corner and steal sweet kisses from her. At first she was shy, hesitant but then slowly she started to get bold. And she never questioned these encounters at all. Maybe like him, she too believed that those kisses were a dream that they had to indulge in as fully as possible before they both woke up to harsh reality._

_Talking was avoided. Silently, they had agreed that words would taint this dream. Hermione made sure that she cleared away from the common room before midnight because that was when he came in. Draco learned to communicate with her through eyes only. She was the only thing that kept him sane these days. With her he could forget for a few minutes the looming darkness that would envelop his world if he did not complete his mission at the end of this year._

_Flying at night was the next best thing. It helped clear his head. Or rather it it helped him focus on the thoughts that he truly wanted to think about, like Hermione, and kept out the less pleasant ones like Voldemort. This was one of the benfits of being Head Boy that Draco really enjoyed. He did not have to follow curfew._

_It was past midnight when he returned to the common room and he was surprised to see that Hermione had not gone to bed yet. She was concentrating intently on stirring a potion in a small cauldron. She sat crossed leg on the floor, beads of sweat shinning on her forhead, hair escaping wildy from the lose bun on the top of her head. Her eyes were narrowed and her nose scrunched up. Draco almost smiled. She looked quite adorable._

_When she noticed his presence after a while, she hastily started to apologize, "Oh, Malfoy, I am so sorry. I had to start on this potion at midnight so that it can be ready at exactly this time tomorrow. It's full-_

_"-moon tomorrow night, I know, Granger. I was given this assingment too." He interrupted._

_"Oh. Of course. Well, then why haven't you started on your's yet?" she asked._

_He shrugged. "Lost track of time, I guess. It doesn't matter, really. Snape will let me off the hook."_

_"But, if you don't do it, you won't be allowed to sit for your NEWTS!" she cried._

_"Granger, relax, its no big deal."_

_As he shrugged off his quidditch robes, he watched her stare at the potion for a while as if contempating something. Finally she said, "Well, uh-" she bit her lips, hesitating, "I could give you a sample of mine. You can help me now with this so that we won't have to completey lie..." Her scentence trailed off._

_Draco watched her for a second. "That would be kinda nice, Granger."_

_"Well, okay then. I still need to add a few stuff. Here, stir this whie I cut the ginger roots. Three times clock wise and-"_

_"One time anticlockwise, I know, Granger."_

_As they worked together, Draco started to notice the subtle changes in her attitude towards him. Grudgingly, he admitted that it was quite a nice feeling to not have to bicker and throw vile profanities at each other all the time. The silence was very soothing. Few times, their hands brushed and each time Hermione would glance up at him shyly. Draco felt a rush each time her eyes met his. He had to work quite hard to contain a smile. He was actually enjoying himself._

_Two hours later, their work was done. Hermione stared to clear up and went to her desk to put the ingredients back into her potion kit. Draco found that he just could not ignore the tension that had been slowly building up in the room for the past few hours. Silenly, he walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. He heard her long intake of breath as he pressed his face into her warm neck._

_"Draco?"_

_"Hermione."_

_"Where are you going with this?"_

_"I don't really know, Hermione."_

_"Oh."_

_"Do you want to find out?"_

_There was a pause._

_"I don't really know, Draco."_

_"Tell you what, " He said turning her to face him, "lets not be Granger and Malfoy for a while. Lets just be Draco and Hermione. Just two random people who have found something magical and want to see how long this magic lasts."_

_"I think we could do that."_

_"Good. It will be our little secret."_

_"Okay."_

_"Hermione?"_

_"Draco."_

_"May I have my good night kiss?"_

_For the first time ever, Hermione Granger smiled up at him without any reservation. He didn't know how devastating the effect was until it was too late._

_***_

Draco sighed. Well, the flowers were very pretty and he supposed he shouldn't waste them. So he apparated to Hogsmead and knocked on Hermione's door.

She wouldn't be happy to see him, he thought. It was a long shot that would even be home on a saturday evening. But surprisingly, she opened the door, staring at him coldly, arms crossed formidably over her chest.

"Granger," he threatened, "I bought flowers for you from a muggle girl at a muggle shop with muggle money! So you better let me in."

***

**Thank you for reading. Please review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N- I am so sorry for disappearing like that! Seriously, I have not abandoned this fic, its just that life has been so chaotic the last few months with college apps and all and then waiting for an acceptance. I am back now and this story is almost finished. Just a few more chapters. I hope you like this chapter and I can promise frequent updates. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer- I do not won Harry Potter.**

Hermione sighed. What the heck, she thought. It couldn't do much harm to endure his mindless chattering for a few hours. Also she needed distraction. Even if it was in the form of Draco Malfoy.

She ushered him in and took the flowers that he held out to her. White roses. She loved white roses. She looked up at Draco to find him peering at her curiously. Hermione knew what he was thinking of course.

"Do you remem- "

She cut him off sharply. "I remember, Draco."

_The room was an explosion of colors. Roses of every imaginable color draped the walls, twined across the floor, their sweet fragrance wafting through the air enticingly. The fire pushed the darkness into shadows as Hermione sat curled up before it. A fairy tale romance. That was all she had ever wanted. She had been a fool to think Draco Malfoy could give her a fairy tale. Sure he made her feel like a princess at times but that didn't mean he was prince charming. She had no right to think that way about him. She was an idiot to expect romance. _

_Then why did it hurt so much? How had she, in such a short time, given him the power to break her heart with a look only? She still could not get the image out of her head. Earlier that morning, when she had passed him while going to Potions, he had thrown his old insults at her backed by sniggers from his faithful cronies Crabbe and Goyle. He had sent her that look of pure disgust which screamed that she was not worthy of being alive. How could he? After everything that had happened between them the last few weeks? How dare he?_

_So she had avoided him all day and upon returning to the common room, Hermione found herself unable to stop the tears of disappointment. Unconsciously, she kept on conjuring up roses until they filled the entire room. She could give herself a bit of romance, couldn't she? She might be unattractive, prudish, a bloody mudblood but Merlin, she deserved love, she deserved the fairy tale. _

_She heard the front door slide open. She felt the warm hands bundle her up to a strong chest. She heard the soft murmurs of apology whisper in her ear. She felt the kisses on her forehead._

"_You have made me feel low all throughout these years, Draco," Her voice was hoarse from sobbing and she could not find the strength to pull away from him even though his touch made her skin crawl. "You made me feel inferior, like I did not deserve to be in this world. I always pretended to no care but there were times when you broke me. I spent my entire time at Hogwarts proving myself to people like you. I don't know if I have been able to but know this, Malfoy, you can't take away my dream. I deserved to be loved too I belong in here too."_

_Gently, he lifted her chin up to make her look into his eyes. All she saw in the grey depths were pure sincerity and regret. How could she stay mad at him when he looked at her this way? Why did his mercurial mood swings hurt so much? _

"_Don't you know that people who hate themselves tend to take it out on others?" he asked. He settled her between his legs tucking her face under his neck and rubbed her cold arms. "I hate myself, Hermione. I hate what I have become. The only way I know how to live with this is by putting down the ones who are so special." _

_She shook her head. "I don't understand, Draco. I mean nothing to you. You used to hate me. Then suddenly you decide that you want something more from me. A few days into you start insulting me in front of your friends again. I can't take it anymore, Draco. How can you hold me like this in one second and then be disgusted by me in the next?"_

"_Hermione, please let me explain" he pleaded urgently, "I have to put up a façade in front of my friends. You don't know the danger you could be in if they get even a whiff of our relationship!" _

"_I don't believe you, Malfoy!" she cried, anger giving her the strength to break away from him. "_

_Hurt flashed in his eyes but Hermione refused to acknowledge it. It was all a part of his pretence. _

_He dragged his hands over his face tiredly. "Hermione, don't do this to me. I need you, Hermione. You are warm and kind and generous and such a wonderful person. Don't leave me right now. Please."_

"_I am nothing, Draco. You told me yourself many times." She said tightly._

_It was fury that took over him now. In one quick movement, he got to his feet. "Damn you, Hermione. Why is it so easy for you to believe my lies?" His face became a stone mask, his eyes becoming the familiar chips of ice as he said, "it's a good thing my father taught me to lie. People like lies. And people like you can't handle the truth. Because right now believing the truth would mean dealing with things you just don't want to see. You just want to hold on to the Draco who made you cry when you were twelve but you just can't deal with the fact that I do still posses a heart and there's a small patch left in it that isn't numbed.. When I am with you, I can bloody feel. You are the only thing that keeps me sane in the midst of all the madness in my life."_

"_You never tell me anything! You don't talk to me about what's bothering you!"_

_His laughter was as cold as his voice when he said, "We have chosen very different sides, Granger. There is nothing I can tell you that won't have you running to your friend Potter or Dumbledore."_

_Hermione gasped. "Harry was right. You are doing something for Voldemort."_

"_If I am doing anything, Granger, I am only doing it to ensure the survival of my family and not for some psychopathic killer and his insane cause."_

"_Is it worth the consequence, Draco? The death of thousands?" she asked softly. _

"_I have to do what's best for my family, Hermione," came his quiet answer._

_She could help him, thought Hermione. In time she could make him see that the best thing he could do for his family was to change sides. He was at crossroad now and she could help him see the right path. "How can you expect me to quietly accept you and betray my own side knowing you are aiding Voldemort? What's in it for me?" she asked touching his shoulder lightly and pleaded with her eyes to make the bitterness in his face and words disappear._

_He gazed at her, the ice chips beginning to melt once again, the hard lines of his face softening," There doesn't have to be anything in it for you. You aren't a selfish creature like me, Hermione. It's in your nature to be compassionate."_

_Form the sea of flowers surrounding them, he picked out a rose bud, a white one, and tucked it into her hair. She had to surrender then. He conjured up a mirror, turning her to face it. She watched herself shyly as he made the rose bud bloom. He put his arms around her from behind, "You are beautiful just the way you are Hermione. Like a fresh blooming rose. Never change. Stay like this for ever. Don't ever let the flower die." _

After all these years, as Hermione allowed herself to glance back into that memory, she realized one thing that had surprisingly escaped her notice throughout the years. Draco Malfoy had been just plain scared back then. He wasn't being a self sacrificing hero or a manipulative death eater. He had been a scared boy who just didn't know right form wrong because he had ever been allowed the privilege to distinguish between them. And so he had reached out to her hoping that she could force him to change his ways. And she had. That was why he had fought with the good side at the last moment. Hermione was glad that she had been able to save a soul from being scarred further.

But this definitely did not mean that she appreciated him intruding on her life like this now.

Draco' train of thoughts was similar to Hermione's. He had grown up with wrong priorities and morals. Hermione had been the contradiction to the very basic structure of his principals. She was pure when she was supposed to be stained. And so he had reached out to her like a sinking man hoping she could save him.

"So, Malfoy, does your visit have a purpose or this just a social call only?" Hermione asked sharply, her annoyance with his presence evident clearly. Draco smirked. Didn't he know that she only egged him more with this attitude of hers? But he decided to be nice this once.

"Do you want to go out for lunch with me?" he asked tentatively, wary of her refusal. "I will behave. Promise"

"Malfoy please-"

"Hermione, you keep asking me what I want from you. I just want to be friends. For now. I could really use one."

Hurt flashed in her eyes, which he caught a glimpse of before she turned her back to him.

Anger laced her voice as she said, "I suppose you think I am at your disposal to be used as you please? Well let me tell you something, I don't work that way anymore. I won't be used and then tossed aside at your whim like you have so many times."

"Don't do that, Hermione. What we had was wonderful!"

She rounded on him fiercely now. "What we had was a bloody lie. You were never honest with me about a single thing!"

He let out an exasperated breath. That again, Draco thought sarcastically. "Will you come with me or not?"

"No!" she spat.

Well it seemed that the time for niceness had passed. Before Hermione could say another word, he grabbed her hand, summoned a robe of hers and raised his wand. "I am through trying to be gentle with you, Granger. You are going with me whether you like it or not. Now try not to make a scene once we get there."

He apparated.

They landed on what looked like the lobby of a restaurant. Place looked fancy, thought Hermione. Simple yet elegant. It was brilliantly lit and mostly empty. Glass stairs spiraled up to the actual dinning area.

"I am seriously underdressed for this." She commented dryly.

"Don't worry. It's a wizard restaurant. You are allowed to keep your robes on." He replied. She caught him staring at her queerly. "How come you haven't started kicking and screaming at me for bringing you here like this?"

"Well Malfoy, this kind of immature and thoughtless display is so typically _you_ that I am just not surprised." Hermione smiled despite herself. "And as you did not let me bring my wand, it would be completely useless to make a fuss. I might as well enjoy this place."

"Very sensible of you Granger. Now come. There is a table already reserved for us." He took her hands and started to lead her towards the stairs. Suddenly, he turned and placed a hand tenderly on her cheek. "Just when I expect you to be furious with me, you give me smiles. How can I stay away from you Hermione?"

He could draw her like a magnet. His eyes, his vice, his touch. She was helpless to this side of him. Always had been.

"Thank you for giving me this chance." He said softly." I promise we will have a good time, Hermione."

She nodded, unable to speak.

He had meant to show her a good time. Merlin knew he had. What he had not bargained for was the biggest pain in the bloody butt, Weasel, to show up and ruin a near perfect evening, albeit not quite an authentic one, for the him and Hermione.

He and Hermione had been halfway through a scrumptious meal and keeping to safe topics like work and new ministry policies.

"I do think it was a good decision on Hogwarts part to admit that vampire child this year. He is magical too after all," said Hermione.

"Well, Hogwarts has been known to house werewolves and giants before. So allowing vampires as well was just a matter of time really." He could feel her scrutinizing gaze on him as he sipped at his wine. She was looking for a trace of his old prejudices against those who were not pure blood wizards. As far as Draco was concerned, he had bled himself out of most of his prejudices once he had understood Voldemort to be the madman that he was, hell bent on destroying the whole wizarding community.

Precisely at that moment, Ron Weasly made his entrance.

"Hermione! What are you doing here?"

Hermione looked up, a bit startled and then smiled. Weasly, finally realizing Draco's presence turned to him and addressed him with a cool, "Malfoy. Long time."

"Weasly. Didn't know you were counting." He sneered. Honestly, he couldn't help it. Just as Weasly could not help the twitch in his nose as if he had something particularly unpleasant under his nose. It had to be a guy thing.

"I am waiting for a few people actually. A business meeting," Weasly said to Hermione. "By the way Hermione, thanks for having me over for dinner the other night and for…" he glance meaningfully at Draco, "well…you know… afterwards."

That made Draco sit up straight. What the hell? Weasly had spent the night with Hermione? And he was getting implications about more than just a dinner affair here.

By the time Weasly had left, Draco was on the point of bursting with insane jealousy.

"You want any dessert, Hermione? Didn't think so." Without waiting for her reply, he signaled the waiter for the bill.

Minutes later they were back in Hermione's living room. A fuming Draco rounded on confused Hermione.

**A/N- Thank you for reading. Please review.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter**

"You slept with Weasly." Draco announced in a deadly calm voice.

Hermione huffed and rolled her eyes. "Really Malfoy, why do you have to be so melodramatic about everything?"

"Answer the damn question, Hermione!" he spat

"You know what? I won't answer because its none of you damn business!"

"Of course it's my business if you go out on a date with me when you are already seeing someone else!"

"It wasn't date!" Hermione said in a tight voice. Even though rage continued to boil inside her, she could not help the slight twinge of nostalgia. This sort of childish, immature fights had been so common to their relationship once. Some things never changed.

Draco narrowed his eyes dangerously at her. "It's a date if I say it's a date!"

"Well then it was a pitiful one! And for you information, Malfoy, I don't date."

"No, you just sleep around, don't you, Granger?"

Furious now, Hermione slapped him hard across his face with her whole strength before he could say anything else. Angry red welts appeared on his cheeks as he stared at her in stunned disbelieve. The sound of the harsh slap seemed to reverberate around them angrily.

"How dare you imply that-" Hermione's words were smothered by the mouth that descended down on hers all of a sudden. Rough hands fisted themselves in her hair in a punishing grip.

Hermione struggled against his hold, fought against his lips, refusing to give in to the kiss. She tried to move her ace away but that only made him tug at her hair harder in an attempt to hold her mouth to his.

His tongue darted out of his mouth and shoved itself between her lips forcefully as his hands moved to her waist. He gripped her hips and aggressively yanked her closer, a low growl emanating from his chest as their tongues met. It wasn't sweet, and it was miles away from being anything near tender. Hermione had to let go, had to surrender to the hundred sensation coursing down her body at the taste of him. Here was relief, here was mind numbing pleasure, a break from the pain. Only he could give it to her. Only Draco.

She smashed her face closer, their teeth banging together as she pushed her tongue deeper and met Drcao's aggression with her own.

His teeth skimmed her lips and tongue, pinching and scraping as he plunged deeper and tightened his grip on her waist. She breathed raggedly into his mouth, moving impossibly closer to his body, and suddenly he was spinning her around, walking her backwards. Hermione stumbled, attached to his lips and forced to grab hold of his disheveled hair to steady herself. She knew it was hurting him, but the grunt he made, low and gritty in his throat, told her that he liked it like that.

And then she was pressed against the rough brick wall and he was wedging her between it and his urgent mouth. She pulled his hair harder, willing him to let all his anger out as he bucked his hips against her, already aroused.

This was more than lust. It was more than affection. And it was much, much more than love.

This was hers and Draco's unbridled frustration. Venting via kiss as their teeth clanked and tongues dove and danced aggressively. She pulled and moaned with him as she violently returned the kiss, eager and brimming with need to show him how much she wanted him. How much she needed him. There never had been anyone else. Never would be. She yanked his hair in her fist and pushed away from the wall to get closer, deeper, and rougher than him.

Draco abruptly jerked away, breathing raggedly as his palms went to slam against the brick wall at either side of her head. His body was still flattened against her as she panted and opened her eyes to meet his.

His eyes held a dark glimmer as he trapped her between him and the wall. His arms creating stiff and tense bars of imprisoning flesh around her. He breathing was uneven on her face as he stared at her and the hands that were still full of his hair.

Hermione exhaled and leaned her head back against the wall in surrender while releasing his hair. She closed her eyes and whispered the two words she had tried so hard to deny. "Only you…"

_Only you._

Warmth spread through Draco as his brain registered the two words. All the anger and resentment drained out of him as he smiled against her lips. Tenderly, he kissed the corners of her mouth, her cheeks, the tip of her nose and her closed eyes. "Only you, Hermione, only you."

She sighed but didn't open her eyes. "I am sorry," he whispered.

"I didn't sleep with Ron." She said quietly. He dropped another kiss on her lips as relief washed through him.

"I did kiss him." She finally opened her eyes. "I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing,"

The utter devastation in her eyes made his heart ache. "Did you want to feel something?"

"I wanted to prove you wrong!" she cried. Her eyes were a little hysterical now. Color that he had put on her cheeks with his kiss now drained from her leaving her pale and looking sadder than ever. "You say no one affects me like the way you do and I wanted to show you that you are wrong. But I ended up proving you right. I hate it, Draco, I hate needing you like this. I don't want this dammit!"

Her admission was supposed to make him feel smug but it made him feel more guilty instead. He should be gloating but rather he was overcome with an impossible urge to apologize to her for putting her in such a position.

Because he could do nothing else, he crushed her to himself, clasping her to his chest and hugging her tightly. He kissed her on the top of her head and felt her stiffen in his arms. He felt helpless because Hermione could take lust but not intimacy.

He cupped her cheeks and pulled her face up so that she could meet his eyes. Her eyes were soft as she regarded him. Melted pools of chocolate that weakened his knees. For the first time since he had met her after five years, she was letting down barriers.

"Let go, dammit. Just let go!" he whispered achingly.

And she did, going completely pliant in his arms. For Draco, It was like coming home. It was like finally grasping the star that he had been reaching out for in the night sky all his life. His heart was once again on calm waters after a terrifying storm. Tension left her body in an instant as she leaned into him as flexible as fluid.

"Why did you leave damnit it, why?" she cried as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Don't you know how much it hurts to live without you? Why do you keep doing this to me? Why Draco?"

"Never again. I swear Hermione, baby, I will never leave you again." He kissed her everywhere on her face frantically, desperate to make her believe his words.

"Make me believe in you again, Draco."

"Okay." He punctuated the word with another kiss on her lips.

"And don't you dare hurt me, you goddamn, bloody ferret!" she said furiously.

He laughed against her neck. "Can't make that promise, Granger. I live to give you hell."

"Idiot."

He slipped his hands inside her robes to slide them around her waist. He drew chaste kisses along the column of her neck inciting a low moan from her. He knew how much she liked being kissed on her neck. With the tip of his tongue, he traced her skin, slowly, until she was writhing against him. And then he brought his teeth down hard on the spot that had been driving him crazy all night, the spot where her neck and shoulders met.

Her scream was muffled as she dragged his head up and took his lips. Joy spread through him because this time Hermione had initiated the kiss.

After a long while, they stood panting, trying to recover from the earth shattering kisses. Hermione whispered against his lips, "Stay with me tonight."

"You mean…"

"No Draco, its too soon. Just spend the night me. I don't want to be alone tonight." As if as an afterthought, she added, "it's the night that my parents died. I can't bear it alone."

Draco hugged her tightly, remembering a conversation of a long time ago. The first time that Hermione had talked to him about his parents.

"_McGonagall's a bitch!" he burst out as soon as he entered the common room after two hours of detention with the transfiguration professor._

_He stopped, surprised at finding the room in darkness. He found Hermione sitting on the window seat quietly, her gaze lost in the brilliantly starry night sky outside. A shimmery mist hung over the qudditch pitch. A light breeze caressed her hair, blowing soft tendrils around her face. The faint moonlight highlighted her curls, and threw a pale unearthly glow over face. _

_Something tugged at his heart at the sight of her, something unexplainable, forbidden. Something wonderful._

"_Hermione?"_

_She looked up at him. And that's when he noticed how sad her eyes were. He didn't want to care. He didn't want to feel that pang in his heart. But he did. So, without another word, he crossed to her, sat beside her and cuddled her into his arms. _

"_You know, Draco, I never imagined there was a part of you that's so teddy bearish." She said with a hint of smile._

"_What do you mean?" he growled._

"_You like to cuddle."_

"_No I don't!" he exclaimed. The very idea was preposterous. "Malfoys do not cuddle, Granger. It's almost illegal."_

"_What are you doing now, then?"_

"_Umm- giving you a shoulder to cry on? Why the hell are you complaining? You look like you could do with a little cuddling!"_

_She smiled sadly. Even though she spoke lightly, her eyes still carried that hunted look. "Thanks for being here." She whispered, kissing his cheek sweetly._

"_Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."_

_She sighed. "I miss my mom and dad." _

_He knew there was more. He waited._

"_They don't remember me." Her voice dropped even lower and he had to strain to hear her._

"_How can you parents forget you? Don't be ridiculous!"_

"_They forgot because I made them forget."_

_He gaped at her. "Why the bloody hell would you do something like that, Hermione?"_

_She glared at him now. "The same reason you continue to kiss Voldemort's ass! To keep your family safe. You should understand better than anyone!"_

"_Hermione, I am not committing any selfless act of heroism. You keep thinking that I do everything just for my family. I know it makes it easier for you to be with someone like me. But please don't keep up that illusion. I only think about me. My parents may not be very nice people but they love me dammi! They love me and they are the only two people in the world who do. I can't bear losing that love. So if I want to keep them safe from Voldemort, its only for myself. Don't compare yourself with me."_

"_You know, Draco, there is something called unconditional love. It's hard for muggles to be around magic. My parents did not understand a lot of things about me but I was always their daughter first and a witch later. I never got a chance to be a freak around them. I belonged with them no matter what. I have to keep them away from harms way just like they did for me. And if it means I have to let them go to keep them safe, I am fine wit that. I don't have their love now but I remember it and its enough."_

"_Then why are you so sad about it, Hermione?' he asked softly now._

"_Because sometimes I wish I was still a little girl and had that security of a home and the protection of my parents. I don't like the feeling of looking after my own back."_

_He hugged her tightly. "It's all a part of growing up, sweetheart. You just learn to accept it sooner or later. In your case, its sooner."_

_She nodded against his chest and closed her eyes. He sat with her like that well into the night, loving the feel of her sleeping in his arms, feeding on her innocence and trust. He hated that he would have it break her trust one day soon._

Telling him about her parents had been a sign pf trust back then and this time around too. She was letting him in again. And he would crucio himself to hell before he messed it up again, Draco resolved.

**Thank you for reading. Please review!**


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